The One Day Theory

In speaking with our friends and family during this first month of our engagement, Jeremiah and I have realized that most people fall into one of two categories when it comes to Wedding Day Philosophies. Both can be attributed to what we have come to call, not-so-endearingly, the One Day Theory.

The first side:

“It’s only ONE DAY. Why would you ever spend so much money, time, and energy on one day of your life?!”

The second:

“You only get ONE DAY. It is the most important day of your life to this point, and it is worth celebrating to the nines!” 

I think it’s safe to say that most of us start out on the second side. We’ve all dreamt about this day since we were little, or at least since we realized that we had found the person we wanted to marry. Movies, TV, radio, and magazines constantly throw well-directed advertisements at us, claiming that it won’t be a nice — or even memorable — event unless it includes the biggest, best, and most expensive bells and whistles. Cinderella had the best bash in all the land, so why can’t every girl?  Some parents feel the same. They would ill-advisably take a second mortgage on their home, exhaust their retirement funds, and put thousands upon thousands of dollars on credit cards so their little girl (or boy!) can have the extravagant wedding of their (the child’s or the parents’…?) dreams.

Our parents are NOT those parents.

Our parents are firmly on the first side. They see no sense in spending a fortune on a reception we’ll barely remember, and would prefer to see us start our lives together with a strong head start and a solid emergency fund. And, painfully, I have to admit they’re right.

Did I mention we just bought a house? While it isn’t the newest, most up-to-date house, it isn’t exactly a starter home, either. We stretched our comfort zone a bit to increase our monthly payments 40% from what we were paying in rent, and purchased a lovely 4-bedroom home that we could live in for at least 10-15 years. We reasoned that we would never be able to afford a house like ours when the economy bounced back, and that what now seems like a gigantic home would seem quite small in a few years when we have kids, dogs, and the out-of-town grandparents staying with us regularly. It was built in the 90s, and the roof, furnace, water heater, and appliances are reaching the end of their life-spans. Winter is coming, and things happen. The best thing we could do for ourselves is to not completely deplete our reserves, and hold out at least a little for those Murphy’s Law moments.

We should also note that our parents are all coming from a very different perspective, as they are all currently in their second or third marriages and have each built their lives from next-to-nothing into incredible, self-sustaining and comfortable lifestyles. In the dreaded budget meeting we had with my parents, they told us very clearly that they didn’t want us to spend everything we had, and that to help steer us in that direction, they would be giving us a smaller lump sum of money than we had hoped for. In my head, the spoiled little girl in me whined, “But Moooom, YOU had a big wedding… I want one toooooo.” The bratty, selfish, and thoughtless teenager muttered (silently, of course), “Just because your first marriage didn’t work doesn’t mean mine won’t,” and slammed the door. And, out loud, the mature, thoughtful young woman I’m trying to be said, “I understand. We don’t want that either.”

All drama aside, we really DON’T want to spend a ton of money. Our parents are right — it would be senseless. We’re just grappling with the shock of how much even the basics actually cost, and struggling even more to relay those concerns to our families. Our view of what is necessary for that special day is changing daily.

In the end, we hope to find a happy medium: one that sits nicely on the fence between the two sides of the One Day Theory — a wedding that is a nice, classy, yet relatively inexpensive and simple celebration of our two lives coming together forever.